Out of the Blue

I'm back, back to this place where I made a lot of empty promises of coming back and getting active again. There's too much stuff that had happened to me for the past few years. For instance, my father whom I've written about a lot in my past entries had came back to us. My mom whom I love the most had gone crazy. And I hit twenty three few months back. 

It was not easy but I managed to get through them. I should be impressed that I've walked this far despite having doubts about me continuing this precious this called life. It really was not easy, I'm bearing through it still. Maybe I learned to be more laid back and more carefree. Because I do not have the ability to change other people but I know I can change how I face the world. 

Being twenty three is literally just me reminding myself that I'm twenty three the whole time. Twenty three, an age that is not consider as young nor old neither. An age where most people will make their transition from student to working adult. I think I might transition whilst dragging a bunch of stresses and responsibilities with me. I've received a lot thus far, and it's time for me to give back. But truth to be told, I am not ready. I will never be. At times I will just blank out and think to myself what if I can travel back in time and become a child again? At least I promise that I'll be good. As I grow older, I became more greedy. I greed for more that I already have/need. I feel like I have more stress receptors; I tend to get stress easily. I'm afraid one day I might just lash out and gone crazy. I'm afraid one day while I am driving, I will have the sudden urge to turn the steering around and experience a collision. I'm not going lie but I do think of these things from time to time. I think of the alternate possibilities if I do something extraordinary. 

I have issues. I think I am still having identity crisis. And people thought identity crisis only happened to teenagers. But I still feel I'm not being myself. I feel like the beast has yet to make its' move. 

I'm not okay. Never will.

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